Revised Introduction

Revised Introduction

In this blog post, I will completely rewrite a new introduction. To do this, I will utilize the punctuation reading and the comments that people left on my Google Doc.

On my draft, think people were a little harsh. I would say that I prefer previous people's comments because they were more helpful and less criticizing. The way some were written almost make me want to give up because I was already unsure about how to write and I had mentioned in my post for my draft. However, people overlooked that and decided to be very straightforward about my errors.

According to other people, they thought that my writing was strictly biased and therefore, there was no point to even continue. I think that I mentioned too much about how the author was more lenient to one side than the other. Even though I thought that I had added enough about the controversy on both sides, people disagreed. Also, I tended to discuss all three aspects of rhetoric, which my paper only focused on two of the three. I think that I could possibly rephrase my introduction in that sense because a lot of people were mislead by the way I wrote about the rhetorical situations. However, I would have to disagree with my bias because I mentioned sugar in general being high in consumption not artificial sugar. And even if I did say artificial sugar, that is a fact. I never said that was good or bad. People manipulated it on their own.

 Unknown. "Intro." 3/31/08 via Wikimedia Commons. Public Domain License.

New/Revised Introduction:

The consumption of sugar in America has skyrocketed. Not only do Americans consume sugar in sugary foods, but companies hide sugars in foods that people are unaware about. The rate of obesity and chronic diseases that are linked to sugar have increased, and many people have made the switch to zero-calorie, artificial sweeteners. They can be found in everyday foods, snacks, drinks, and fast-food chains. Nowadays, many people are making the switch to artificial sweeteners because they perceive only the few benefits. However, there are also many negative effects of artificial sweeteners as well. By deconstructing Sugar substitutes: Health controversy over perceived benefits, the author utilizes his educational background for credibility and facts to inform his audience about both viewpoints in the controversy of artificial sugars. However, like other writers in the nutrition field, he never directly states his argument.

Original Introduction:

Americans consume copious amounts of sugars. The rate of obesity and chronic diseases that are linked to sugar have increased, and many people have made the switch to zero-calorie, artificial sweeteners. They can be found in everyday foods, snacks, drinks, and fast-food chains. Nowadays, many people are making the switch to artificial sweeteners because they perceive only the few benefits. However, there are many more negatives. Sugar substitutes: Health controversy over perceived benefits's author utilizes his educational background for credibility and facts to inform his audience about both viewpoints in the controversy of artificial sugars. However, he wants the audience to realize that the harms of artificial sweeteners are more severe and should be more emphasized than their perceived benefits.